Drunken lady

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since. " "My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

your sister

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him. Cheerfully, he asked his son who the girl was, and the young man told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother." The young man again brought three more names to his old man, but ended up more frustrated cause the response was still the same. So he decided to go to his mother. "Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you." His mother smiling said to him,"Aagh! Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son anyway, but please don't tell your father."

A BOY AND HIS DATE

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were Getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said. The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly Paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in The driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, And the fare back to town is $25."

iNVENTIONS

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson,died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!" Arthur said, "Yea, that's me..." God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me but aren't you the inventor of woman???" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds; 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; 5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!! "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

laugh a while

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend to death. Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends". ********** Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother" Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER" ********** What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress ********** Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE?? "Without Information Fighting Every time" Wife replies," No, It means , "With Idiot For Ever !!!" ********** Three Feelings: What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant. ********** Teacher: u know the importance of period? Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, Dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.

********** Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ??? No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints. ********** Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son, that's confidential! ********** Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex. Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know. Mother Faints...

wrong bitch

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seemto have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

You cld hv used.....

A husband and wife were travelling by car from Johannesburg to Cape Town. After a tiresome long distance of travelling, they were too tired to continue.They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room and planned to sleep for four hours and get back on the road.When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk charged them R750.

The man exploded and demanded the reason for such a high price. The clerk told him R750 was the standard rate. The man asked to speak to the Manager.The Manager listened to the man and explained the hotel had an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference center, and they featured Spectacular shows available to the clients. "The best entertainers from Jo' burg, No matter what facility the Manager mentioned, the man replied, "But we didn't use it!. ""Well, it was here, so you could have" replied the manager."But we didn't exclaimed the now rather angry man.The manager was unmoved, and finally the man gave up and agreed to pay.He wrote a cheque and gave it to the manager. The manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque."But sir," he said," this cheque is made out for only R200!. That's right," said the man," I charged you R550 for sleeping with my wife.But I didn't exclaimed the manager.

Well," the man replied, She was here, and you could have.....