Affairs- part-II

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

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The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

 

The man asked:  'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing  to his business down here.'

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The 6th  Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend!

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work!

Affairs ( part-1)

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'

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The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

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The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

Things u shd know!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE MUST UNDERSTAND Differences by each ten years.

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, and 48, 58 and 68? At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. But you'll be took by her to bed. At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

Biology class

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class,
"Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than
guys?"

A student replied,
"That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."

The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded,
"Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than
girls?"

The student countered by saying,
"That's because girls get breasts and they are heavier than the 
guy's balls."

A bad HIT

John was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the
front door. He opened it to see his friend Mike crouched,
clutching his hands between his legs.

"What's wrong?" John said.

"I've been hit by a bloody baseball!" said Mike.

Just then John's blonde wife, Tanya, came to the door and said,
"Quick come in here and I'll look after you."

When John looked in the kitchen he saw Mike sitting on a dining 
chair. Tanya had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing
his friend's penis with cotton wool and water.

"Christ!" said John,
"How do you feel?"

Mike turned and said, 
"John, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!"

Then, holding his hand in the air he said,
"But I still think I'll lose the nail!" 

Q & A

Q: What is an Australian kiss? A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under. Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them. Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around. Q: Why girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: They don't have balls to scratch.

i like yr beard

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend " .

When she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!!"

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice... "Really, I can't," he replied. " My wife loves this beard!!" The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in. That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, " Oh Michael , you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

MAN vs WOMAN

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

{ Let There Be Light .. }

Drunken lady

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since. " "My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

dont get messy with kids

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.' 'The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ' 'If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.' 'The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?! '' The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

Indian

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception.A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd.The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different."Because I am not an American." replied Gita. "Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a proud Indian," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Gitawhy she is an Indian. "Well", my mom and dad are Indians, "so I'm an Indian too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason", she says loudly "if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?" A pause, and a smile."Then" says Gita, "I'd be an American."

world wide survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the shortage of food in rest of the world".The survey was a huge failure........ Do you know WHY? * In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant. * In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant. * In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant. * In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant. * In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant. * In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant. * And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

your sister

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him. Cheerfully, he asked his son who the girl was, and the young man told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother." The young man again brought three more names to his old man, but ended up more frustrated cause the response was still the same. So he decided to go to his mother. "Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you." His mother smiling said to him,"Aagh! Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son anyway, but please don't tell your father."

spk da english

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'

A BOY AND HIS DATE

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were Getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said. The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly Paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in The driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, And the fare back to town is $25."

Mental asylum

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?" "Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup." "Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

iNVENTIONS

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson,died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!" Arthur said, "Yea, that's me..." God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me but aren't you the inventor of woman???" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds; 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; 5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!! "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

laugh a while

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend to death. Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends". ********** Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother" Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER" ********** What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress ********** Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE?? "Without Information Fighting Every time" Wife replies," No, It means , "With Idiot For Ever !!!" ********** Three Feelings: What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant. ********** Teacher: u know the importance of period? Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, Dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.

********** Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ??? No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints. ********** Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son, that's confidential! ********** Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex. Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know. Mother Faints...

The surrogate father

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am," he said, "I've come to...'' "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes," the photographer replied, "and, for more than three hours, too." The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." Mrs. Smith fainted

"

The Doctor's Assistant

A Doctor wanted to go hunting, he calls his secretary HASSOUN and tells him Ya Hassoun, I am going hunting tomorrow, we don't want to close the Clinic, I ask you to take care of our patients. Yes, sir...... answers Hassoun. The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: So Hassoun, how was your day?.

Hassoun tells him he took care of 3 patients. The first one had a headache and I gave him TYLENOL. Bravo yaHassoun, and the second one?

The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir.Bravo ya Hassoun ''you're good at this''and the third one?

Sir, I was sitting, suddenly the door opens and a woman enters likea "flame" and undresses herself, taking off her bra, "NICE BIG ONES SIR" and then take off her panties "Oh MY GOSH"..... then she jump and sleeps on the table and shouts: "HELP ME since 5 years I havenot seen any man!"And what did you do Hassoun?

It was easy, I put eye drops in her eyes sir!