Affairs- part-II

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

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The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

 

The man asked:  'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing  to his business down here.'

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The 6th  Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend!

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work!

Affairs ( part-1)

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'

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The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

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The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

dont get messy with kids

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.' 'The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ' 'If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.' 'The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?! '' The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

You cld hv used.....

A husband and wife were travelling by car from Johannesburg to Cape Town. After a tiresome long distance of travelling, they were too tired to continue.They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room and planned to sleep for four hours and get back on the road.When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk charged them R750.

The man exploded and demanded the reason for such a high price. The clerk told him R750 was the standard rate. The man asked to speak to the Manager.The Manager listened to the man and explained the hotel had an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference center, and they featured Spectacular shows available to the clients. "The best entertainers from Jo' burg, No matter what facility the Manager mentioned, the man replied, "But we didn't use it!. ""Well, it was here, so you could have" replied the manager."But we didn't exclaimed the now rather angry man.The manager was unmoved, and finally the man gave up and agreed to pay.He wrote a cheque and gave it to the manager. The manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque."But sir," he said," this cheque is made out for only R200!. That's right," said the man," I charged you R550 for sleeping with my wife.But I didn't exclaimed the manager.

Well," the man replied, She was here, and you could have.....