Affairs ( part-1)

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'

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The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

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The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

Things u shd know!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE MUST UNDERSTAND Differences by each ten years.

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, and 48, 58 and 68? At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. But you'll be took by her to bed. At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

Biology class

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class,
"Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than
guys?"

A student replied,
"That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."

The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded,
"Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than
girls?"

The student countered by saying,
"That's because girls get breasts and they are heavier than the 
guy's balls."

A bad HIT

John was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the
front door. He opened it to see his friend Mike crouched,
clutching his hands between his legs.

"What's wrong?" John said.

"I've been hit by a bloody baseball!" said Mike.

Just then John's blonde wife, Tanya, came to the door and said,
"Quick come in here and I'll look after you."

When John looked in the kitchen he saw Mike sitting on a dining 
chair. Tanya had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing
his friend's penis with cotton wool and water.

"Christ!" said John,
"How do you feel?"

Mike turned and said, 
"John, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!"

Then, holding his hand in the air he said,
"But I still think I'll lose the nail!" 

Q & A

Q: What is an Australian kiss? A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under. Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them. Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around. Q: Why girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: They don't have balls to scratch.

i like yr beard

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend " .

When she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!!"

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice... "Really, I can't," he replied. " My wife loves this beard!!" The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in. That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, " Oh Michael , you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

MAN vs WOMAN

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

{ Let There Be Light .. }

iNVENTIONS

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson,died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!" Arthur said, "Yea, that's me..." God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me but aren't you the inventor of woman???" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds; 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; 5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!! "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

laugh a while

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend to death. Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends". ********** Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother" Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER" ********** What is the definition of Mistress? Someone between the Mister and Mattress ********** Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE?? "Without Information Fighting Every time" Wife replies," No, It means , "With Idiot For Ever !!!" ********** Three Feelings: What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant. ********** Teacher: u know the importance of period? Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, Dad got heart attack & our driver ran away.

********** Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ??? No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints. ********** Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son, that's confidential! ********** Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex. Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know. Mother Faints...

The surrogate father

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am," he said, "I've come to...'' "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes," the photographer replied, "and, for more than three hours, too." The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." Mrs. Smith fainted

"

wrong bitch

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seemto have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

How long????????????????

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks:"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."

Three couples honey moon

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel,where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.The first man married a nurse.Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Luckyguy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."The second man married a telephone operator.Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom."The third man married a school teacher.Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid.

At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the othertwo wouldn't call until much later in the day.The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast.Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door,Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and hishair nicely combed."Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse.""Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard lastnight was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'.

The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephoneoperator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room asquickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back inshock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed."What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposedto be as sexy as their voices.""Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard three minutes are up'.Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be callingat any moment. Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs."My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Didyou have a fight?"The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marrybe sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy,smooth voice saying, 'Were going to do this over, and over, and over again,until we get it right.

Little Johny

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........" At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army." Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

You cld hv used.....

A husband and wife were travelling by car from Johannesburg to Cape Town. After a tiresome long distance of travelling, they were too tired to continue.They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room and planned to sleep for four hours and get back on the road.When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk charged them R750.

The man exploded and demanded the reason for such a high price. The clerk told him R750 was the standard rate. The man asked to speak to the Manager.The Manager listened to the man and explained the hotel had an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference center, and they featured Spectacular shows available to the clients. "The best entertainers from Jo' burg, No matter what facility the Manager mentioned, the man replied, "But we didn't use it!. ""Well, it was here, so you could have" replied the manager."But we didn't exclaimed the now rather angry man.The manager was unmoved, and finally the man gave up and agreed to pay.He wrote a cheque and gave it to the manager. The manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque."But sir," he said," this cheque is made out for only R200!. That's right," said the man," I charged you R550 for sleeping with my wife.But I didn't exclaimed the manager.

Well," the man replied, She was here, and you could have.....