Affairs- part-II

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

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The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

 

The man asked:  'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing  to his business down here.'

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The 6th  Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend!

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work!

Affairs ( part-1)

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'

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The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

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The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

Things u shd know!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE MUST UNDERSTAND Differences by each ten years.

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, and 48, 58 and 68? At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. But you'll be took by her to bed. At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

Biology class

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class,
"Why is it that during childhood girls tend to grow taller than
guys?"

A student replied,
"That's because guys have balls and that weighs them down."

The teacher, a bit annoyed, responded,
"Then why is it that at maturity guys tend to grow taller than
girls?"

The student countered by saying,
"That's because girls get breasts and they are heavier than the 
guy's balls."

A bad HIT

John was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the
front door. He opened it to see his friend Mike crouched,
clutching his hands between his legs.

"What's wrong?" John said.

"I've been hit by a bloody baseball!" said Mike.

Just then John's blonde wife, Tanya, came to the door and said,
"Quick come in here and I'll look after you."

When John looked in the kitchen he saw Mike sitting on a dining 
chair. Tanya had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing
his friend's penis with cotton wool and water.

"Christ!" said John,
"How do you feel?"

Mike turned and said, 
"John, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!"

Then, holding his hand in the air he said,
"But I still think I'll lose the nail!" 

Q & A

Q: What is an Australian kiss? A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under. Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them. Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around. Q: Why girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: They don't have balls to scratch.

MAN vs WOMAN

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

{ Let There Be Light .. }

Drunken lady

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since. " "My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

dont get messy with kids

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.' 'The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ' 'If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.' 'The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?! '' The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

Indian

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception.A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd.The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different."Because I am not an American." replied Gita. "Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a proud Indian," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Gitawhy she is an Indian. "Well", my mom and dad are Indians, "so I'm an Indian too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason", she says loudly "if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?" A pause, and a smile."Then" says Gita, "I'd be an American."

world wide survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the shortage of food in rest of the world".The survey was a huge failure........ Do you know WHY? * In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant. * In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant. * In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant. * In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant. * In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant. * In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant. * And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

your sister

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him. Cheerfully, he asked his son who the girl was, and the young man told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother." The young man again brought three more names to his old man, but ended up more frustrated cause the response was still the same. So he decided to go to his mother. "Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you." His mother smiling said to him,"Aagh! Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son anyway, but please don't tell your father."

spk da english

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'

A BOY AND HIS DATE

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were Getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said. The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly Paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in The driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, And the fare back to town is $25."

Mental asylum

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?" "Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup." "Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

Chaman Bhai ka Kissa ( In Mumbaiya language)

Ek area mein Bhai rehta hai, Chaman Bhai.. Ab uskey area mein jo bhi koi lafda hota hai to police se pehle Chaman Bhai ki adalat mein jaata hai....Ek baar Chaman Bhai ke area mein rape ho jata hai, aur jisney game bajayi hoti hai ukso pakad ke Chaman Bhai ke paas leke jatey hain... Chaman Bhai pehley to bahut shanti se, style mein, us sey baat karta hai... kuch is tarah se...

Chaman : Kya re ? Tere ko maloom nahi yeh apun ka area hai? Mujrim : Haan maloom hai na bhai. Chaman : Phir kaisey himmat ki rape karne ki apun ke area mein? Mujrim : Ab kya boloon bhai, kismat kharab thi. Chaman : Chal mere ko sub kuch sach sach bata kya aur kaisey hua? Mujrim : Abhi kya na... Idhar naake pe apun paan khaney ke liye aaya... Chaman : Phir ? Murjim : Apun khade hokey paan kharela tha... aur utney mein samney wali building pe apun ki nazar gayi... Chaman : Aage bol Mujrim : Udhar teesrey maaley pe ek chikni khadi hui thi Chaman : Phir kya hua ? Mujrim : Apun ko aisa laga ke usney ishaara kiya aaney ke liye.. Chaman : Phir tuney kya kiya ? Mujrim : Apun socha ke kuch kaam hoyenga usko.... to apun builidng ke neeche gaya Chaman : Phir ? Mujrim : Usney Isharey se apun ko upar bulaaya... apun seedi chadte yehich sochrela tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka" Chaman : Chal fatafat aagey bol Mujrim : Apun ne usko jaakey bola.... kya kaam hai.. kaiko ishara kiya apun ko? Chaman : Phir ? Mujrim : Phir kya bhai, apun ko usney ghar ke andar kheech liya Chaman : (Excited) Phir ? Mujrim : Apun ghar me to chala gaya lekin soch raha tha ki "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka" Chaman : Aagey bol Mujrim : Usney apun ka haath pakad liya Chaman : Accha... Phir? Mujrim : Sachchi bolta hai bhai haath pakadtey hi apun phir socha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka" Chaman : Phir kya hua ? Mujrim : Phir kya tha... Usney bola chikney meri pyaas bujha de Chaman : Phir tu kya bola? (Getting Excited) Mujrim : Apun kya bolta, usne apna dupatta neechey gira diya

Chaman : To phir kya hua ? Mujrim : Apun ke dimag ka dahi ho gaya, kya mommey (boobs) they saali ke...lekin bhai phir bhi apun socha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka" Chaman : Phir tuney kya kiya ? Mujrim : Apun bola ek-do kiss karega aur chala jayega..... zyada boli to body kaam karenga lekin engine nahi kholney ka.... Aakhir, "Chaman Bhai ka area hai.....

Lafda nahi karne ka"

Chaman : Toh phir ? Mujrim : Usney apun ko kheech liya.... sacchi bolta hai bhai aisi katil jawaani apun akkhi life me nahi dekha. Chaman : Haan, woh to hai.... Tu aage bol (Starts to heat up) Mujrim : Phir kya tha.... apun ne kiss kiya, mommey (boobs) bhi dabaya.... lekin imaan se bolta hai, soch raha tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka" Chaman : Aagey bol ? Mujrim : Phir usney apni kameez utar di Chaman : Phir ? Mujrim : Phir salwar, lekin apun ke dil me ekich khayal aa raha tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka" Chaman : Aagey aagey ? Mujrim : phir blouse aur chaddi saali ne sab utar di Chaman : sahi mein? Mujrim : phir meri pant keech li Chaman : Accha ? Mujrim : meri underwear mein haath dal diya Chaman : oh !! Mujrim : chaddi utar di meri, lekin apun phir bhi socha "Chaman Bhai k! a area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka" Chaman : (Getting frustrated).. Mujrim : Phir woh haath phiraaney lagi Chaman : (Half Boiling) Mujrim : phir mooh ghumaaney lagi..... phir bhi apun yehi soch raha tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka" Chaman: (About to blast) Aagey... aagey bol saley.... Mujrim: Chumney Chatney lagi bhaaaaiiii.....lekin bhai kasam se......main yehi soch raha tha "Chaman Bhai ka area hai..... Lafda nahi karne ka" Chaman: Abey teri to.... Chaman Bhai Gaya Maa Chudaney..... tu aage bol ! Mujrim : Yehich...... yehich - apun ne bhi yehi socha bhai.....aur game baja dala.!!!

iNVENTIONS

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson,died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!" Arthur said, "Yea, that's me..." God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me but aren't you the inventor of woman???" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds; 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; 5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!! "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

The surrogate father

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am," he said, "I've come to...'' "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh my!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes," the photographer replied, "and, for more than three hours, too." The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." Mrs. Smith fainted

"

wrong bitch

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seemto have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Three couples honey moon

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel,where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.The first man married a nurse.Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Luckyguy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."The second man married a telephone operator.Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom."The third man married a school teacher.Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid.

At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the othertwo wouldn't call until much later in the day.The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast.Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door,Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and hishair nicely combed."Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse.""Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard lastnight was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'.

The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephoneoperator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room asquickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back inshock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed."What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposedto be as sexy as their voices.""Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard three minutes are up'.Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be callingat any moment. Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs."My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Didyou have a fight?"The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marrybe sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy,smooth voice saying, 'Were going to do this over, and over, and over again,until we get it right.