Affairs- part-II

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

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The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

 

The man asked:  'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing  to his business down here.'

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The 6th  Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend!

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work!

Affairs ( part-1)

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'

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The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

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The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

Things u shd know!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE MUST UNDERSTAND Differences by each ten years.

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, and 48, 58 and 68? At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. But you'll be took by her to bed. At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

A bad HIT

John was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the
front door. He opened it to see his friend Mike crouched,
clutching his hands between his legs.

"What's wrong?" John said.

"I've been hit by a bloody baseball!" said Mike.

Just then John's blonde wife, Tanya, came to the door and said,
"Quick come in here and I'll look after you."

When John looked in the kitchen he saw Mike sitting on a dining 
chair. Tanya had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing
his friend's penis with cotton wool and water.

"Christ!" said John,
"How do you feel?"

Mike turned and said, 
"John, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!"

Then, holding his hand in the air he said,
"But I still think I'll lose the nail!" 

i like yr beard

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend " .

When she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!!"

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice... "Really, I can't," he replied. " My wife loves this beard!!" The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in. That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, " Oh Michael , you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

MAN vs WOMAN

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

{ Let There Be Light .. }

Drunken lady

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since. " "My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

your sister

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him. Cheerfully, he asked his son who the girl was, and the young man told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother." The young man again brought three more names to his old man, but ended up more frustrated cause the response was still the same. So he decided to go to his mother. "Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you." His mother smiling said to him,"Aagh! Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son anyway, but please don't tell your father."

A BOY AND HIS DATE

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were Getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said. The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly Paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in The driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, And the fare back to town is $25."

Little Johny

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........" At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army." Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

You cld hv used.....

A husband and wife were travelling by car from Johannesburg to Cape Town. After a tiresome long distance of travelling, they were too tired to continue.They stopped at a nice hotel and took a room and planned to sleep for four hours and get back on the road.When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk charged them R750.

The man exploded and demanded the reason for such a high price. The clerk told him R750 was the standard rate. The man asked to speak to the Manager.The Manager listened to the man and explained the hotel had an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference center, and they featured Spectacular shows available to the clients. "The best entertainers from Jo' burg, No matter what facility the Manager mentioned, the man replied, "But we didn't use it!. ""Well, it was here, so you could have" replied the manager."But we didn't exclaimed the now rather angry man.The manager was unmoved, and finally the man gave up and agreed to pay.He wrote a cheque and gave it to the manager. The manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque."But sir," he said," this cheque is made out for only R200!. That's right," said the man," I charged you R550 for sleeping with my wife.But I didn't exclaimed the manager.

Well," the man replied, She was here, and you could have.....

Biology class

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was: "Name seven advantages of "Mothers Milk." Worth 70 points or none at all. One student, who had partied late the night before, was frustrated to think of seven advantages.He wrote: 1. It is perfect formula for the child. 2. It provides immunity against several diseases. 3. It is always at the right temperature. 4. It is inexpensive. 5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6. It is always available as needed.And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang, indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7. It comes in such cute containers. He got an "A".